Earth Day 2009

Today is Earth Day, a very important day for each and every one of us. On this special day, let us consider the greatest known threat to all life as we know it. Our mortal enemy – The Planet Earth.

Since the beginning of recorded history the Earth and humans have been at war with each other, most scholars agreeing that the conflict began when Benjamin Franklin discovered fire by rubbing two keys together in 1956. The Earth, sensing our species to be a threat to its survival has since tried to wipe us out at every opportunity. Being a cruel planet, The Earth relentlessly launches attack after attack upon our people and due to the fact that Earth is incapable of mercy, we must never become complacent in our struggle to destroy it.

In the summer it roasts innocent puppies in hot cars and in the winter it strikes at the elderly in their poorly heated appartments. Sometimes it will create a great storm and try to fry people with lightning. The Earth is a horrible shot, (scientists currently believe this is because the Earth has cataracts which impair its vision) and theterrible death rays rarely hit anyone. However, the Earth has more destructive tools at its disposal.

Every year the Earth takes time off from its busy schedule to launch deadly tornados at our great nation’s trailer parks. (Right after it’s jazzercise sessions on Thursday afternoons.)

Deadly tsunamis wreck havoc on our undefended coasts and hurricanes sweep inland devastating property and killing hundreds. (But only the poor people.) Even the ground we walk upon is not safe as the Earth can make it tremble, collapsing our buildings and interrupting baseball games.

But there is hope! With the human population being at such a high level today our potential to destroy the planet is better than ever! Here are some fun ideas that you can do right at home to help us to win this age old struggle. –

1. Kill a tree. Trees convert yummy-nummy carbon dioxide into nasty corrosive oxygen. If you have the necessary equipment such as a chain saw, axe or a beaver you can cut down a large sized tree, but if you cant do that just killing a sapling will help to make a big difference. (Tip - Killing saplings is something you can do with your children on an Earth Day outing!) If you are cutting down a large tree be careful because it will try to fall on you or your house in retaliation. Also, trees can uproot themselves to carry off our womenfolk, so be wary.


2. Release more pollutants into the air. With more nations industrializing we are polluting better than ever, but sadly in the United States we’ve been seriously slacking as of late. Start burning your garbage instead of throwing it away. It saves work and makes for a fun Friday evening! Take up smoking; it’s good for you and the kids will love it! Also consider starting a tire fire. Get the community involved and make Earth Day in your town into Tire Fire Day!

3. Dump hazardous chemicals into the ocean. The ocean is a forsaken realm full of misshapen monsters which will one day arise from the depths to wage war upon mankind. (As prophesied by the late Kevin Bacon.) Encourage local businesses to dump waste byproducts into the ocean to stop it before it’s too late. Also, you can help at home by going to the beach with your family to dump fertilizers into water or you can pour things like antifreeze and mercenary into your local storm drains.

These are just a few ways you can help to destroy the planet. If we all work together as a team I’m sure that one day soon the Earth will be dead and we’ll all finally be able to rest in peace. Happy Earth day!